Three Little Words

30 06 2011

Someone once said “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” What a crock. Getting dumped sucks and is a close second to having your balls stomped by a herd of dairy goats (though I have no experience with testicular trauma of such nature, I suspect it is quite painful).  My current record is 1-4 when it comes to breakups in the love realm. For some people, not loving at all might be a good call. Hopefully, my own painful experience will serve as a cautionary tale for other unfortunate souls out there.
Gentlemen, don’t do this…

Several years ago, I was neck deep in a particularly shitty, period in my life.  My job sucked, most of my friends had moved away and I hated my roommates.  Life sucked…boo-fucking-hoo. Then one day I met a girl and my life took a turn for the better, or so I thought. She had it all. A great sense of humor. Energetic. Athletic. Hot. Maybe a little self-absorbed and slightly heartless, but, again, the hotness.

We hit it off right from the start and, for the first month and a half, did everything together.  I had a smile on my face 24-7.  Similar to the total losers on the Bachelor/Bachelorette, I thought she was The One after only a handful of dates.  With ample openings on my social calendar, my new girlfriend became the center of my universe.  I called her daily.  SEVERAL times a day.  I asked her out nightly.  I wanted to see her whenever, wherever and however possible.  She did not appreciate my diligence.  Just what any new relationship needs…a good smothering.

Scientific Relationship Fact #106: The more Needy Bitch clings to Girlfriend, the more Girlfriend pushes away.  The more Girlfriend pushes away, the more Needy Bitch clings. A vicious cycle.   Eventually, Needy Bitch resorts to drastic measures. As a rule, this will not end well for Needy Bitch.

Then one evening I somehow coaxed (I may have begged, I choose not to remember) my girlfriend into letting me spend the night at her place because I would be heading out the next morning on a long road trip and would not see her for the next seven days.  As I said goodbye to my girlfriend that morning, we embraced and kissed.  Staring into her eyes, I was suddenly overcome with emotion. My heart began to race, and my breathing became shallow and I blurted:

I love you


This is how the new Love of My Life responded to my heartfelt pronouncement…


Drive Carefully

oh, fuck me.

The supreme example of unrequited love.

This is what happened next:

Puke face

…and then…

Think Fast

Perhaps a diversion would make her forget what I just said. I was desperate to extricate myself from the situation.

I peed myself

Dude. I said I was desperate, not fucking crazy.
Actually, I believe I said “Thanks” and then pretty much ran out the door. Fortunately for me I had six hours alone in the car to consider exactly how big of jackass I was. Unfortunately for me, that apparently wasn’t enough time, because when I got to my destination – a ski cabin filled with 10 or so of my college buddies – I proceeded to share my sad story to a captive audience.  Perhaps something was lost in the retelling, because the “sadness” caused beer to shoot from a few of their noses as they all roared with laughter.  

In the end, my girlfriend screwed around on me.  I eventually scraped together whatever crumbs of pride I had left and told her I could no longer see her.  Of course, this was no easy decision for me. But, I figured that would show her. In response, I think she may have thrown a party. Bitch.





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