Let’s talk poop

31 05 2011

I have Crohn’s Disease.  Crohn’s Disease is an inflammatory disease of the intestines with a variety of accompanying symptoms, the most common of which are abdominal pain, diarrhea, vomiting and weight loss.  While not life threatening, there is also no known cure. What are you going to do?  Life is a bitch.  At least it isn’t cancer.  But, considering how inconvenient Crohn’s is, if I ever do get cancer, I’ll be fucking pissed.  Until then, I try to find the humor in the disease where I can.  Fortunately, there is plenty of material to work with. Read the rest of this entry »

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Doctor = Awesome

21 05 2011

So, I previously mentioned that my girlfriend is a doctor.  And I also mentioned how awesome that would be.  Here’s further evidence of the awesomeness…

My girlfriend is currently on a flight to San Francisco to hang with me for a few days.  She just texted me to say they had a medical emergency on-board and had to land in Grand Junction, CO (FYI – in case you weren’t aware, Grand Junction airport isn’t made for big planes – they don’t land there unless they have no choice (ok, I may be talking out of my ass on that point, but it makes the story better, so if I’m wrong, “fuck off” to all you know-it-all aviation enthusiasts out there)).

Mid-flight, the flight attendant came on the PA and asked if there were any doctors on-board and my girlfriend, of course, rightly identified herself.   The flight attendant led her to a passenger in medical distress.  Apparently, the passenger’s condition was deteriorating very rapidly.  So my girlfriend – the badass that she is – quickly yet carefully assessed the situation and then calmly instructed the flight attendant:  “We need to land.  Now.”  And so they did.

After she finished telling me this, my first thought was:  That’s fucking awesome!!!   When you can order a plane to land and it does, that’s some fucking power, people.

I then suggested to my girlfriend that, if you think about it, she isn’t wholly unlike a terrorist.  What other passenger can force a plane to land?  She failed to see the humor.

My next thoughts, in order, were these:

So you ordered the plane to land?  And now you’re going to be over two hours late?  Great.  Good job.

-I sometimes tell my girlfriend what to do and she listens.  So, by the transitive property, I too should be able to order a plane to land.  Is that right?  I’m not sure.  Screw you, 9th grade math.

-You never hear flight attendants asking if there is a lawyer on-board.  “Uhhh, ladies and gentlemen, don’t be alarmed, but we have a contractual emergency.  Is there a lawyer present?”

-Being a lawyer sucks.

-What happened with the sick passenger?  Oh, he ended up being OK?  Pussy. 





Drawing is fun

18 05 2011

Ahhhhh! Home sweet home!

 
 
Do you like to draw?  I did.  Until was about 10 or 11.  I think that’s about when my drawing skills peaked…pretty much at stick figures.

Specifically, stick figure army men.   Even more specifically, stick figure army men shooting other stick figure army men with the occasional aircraft flying overhead on bombing runs. Explosions (I was also pretty good at drawing fire and smoke).  Stick figure body parts flying everywhere.  That’s about the extent of my drawing repertoire.  My teacher said I lacked vision.  I said there are no bad students, only bad teachers.  She told me to go to the principal’s office.

My stick figure creations, once critically acclaimed in 4th grade, had, by the 6th grade, become the subject of near universal derision. Weighed down by the harsh public scrutiny, I relinquished my dreams of becoming the next Picasso.

Sidenote:  Thankfully, I was able to achieve my other dream:  Becoming a middling corporate attorney in a world overpopulated with attorneys.   Sweet.

Nevertheless, starting this blog has gotten my creative juices flowing again.  I’ve decided to take another crack at it.  I bought an electronic pen tablet with which to create new masterpieces and then upload them here for all to enjoy.  To tide you over until Amazon delivers me the goods, below is one of my creations from my early years.  (Thanks, mom, for keeping my beautiful works of art.  You said they would be valuable one day.  Thanks for believing in me when nobody else did.  So very valuable indeed.)

It’s eerily similar to subsequent Oliver Stone productions.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Mr. Stone, you will be hearing from my lawyers.

CAUTION – THE FOLLOWING MATERIAL CONTAINS SCENES OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AND GORE.  PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS ADVISED.

Read the rest of this entry »





Poop is never not funny

12 05 2011

My girlfriend is a doctor.  She deals in the bodily functions of others on a daily basis.  I know what you’re thinking.  How fucking awesome is that?  Right?

Read the rest of this entry »